Lonely. Different. Unknown.

u know when u've graduated from poly. life suddenly looks v real. becos this is the point of time when u have to make ur own decision that is going to determine ur destiny. n u cant run away from responsibility like how u do when ur in primary/secondary school or poly.
19 yrs of earthly life. i came to realise that the most reliable person is none other than urself. forget about ur friends or relatives for a moment. becos ur the only 1 who is going to shape ur life. ur friends r not going to do it for u. neither ur family members. that's ur responsibility. if run away from it. u'll pay the price.
of cos if ur born with a sliver or golden spoon. u dont have to wry about how u going to live. just relax n enjoy. but if ur some1 with a humble background like me. it's either u continue with ur mediocre life or u do sth about it. u see. that's the tough decision u have to make.
right now. im feeling somewhat stressed n unsettled. im in need of some guidance but there isnt any ppl who would understand n listen to me. even my parents dont fully understand me. so how am i suppose to talk to anybody?
my father n i. our way of thinking is too different. i guess it's becos of the generation gap. i bet he wont understand what im thinking n saying. trust me. we r totally 2 different person.
let me give an example. from what i heard from my aunts. they always told me that my father used to be a v gd student. every yr he's either 1st or 2nd in class. some1 who's v capable. hardworking. down to earth. so on n so forth. almost like a perfect gentleman. even til now i've nv heard him say a single vulgarity despite his foul temper.
but look at me. im a bad student. always late for classes. my results r not v gd. im lazy. i use vulgarities. im a bad boy. n the list of imperfections goes on. u see the big contrast? i wonder how im going to face my children next time. better keep my history a secret. lol!
my mother didnt have much education. i heard the highest education lvl she got is sec 4. so it's kind of obvious she wouldnt understand me as well. u know sometimes when i ask her a qn n she'll ans me sth that is off topic. like some1 ask u for ur name n u ans back with where u live. even though it's bloody frustrating. but i cant blame her. so in the end i just rephrase my qn.
my younger brothers.. forget about it. both of them have backside brains. (-_-)"
n then my friends. every1 has their own different ideas. so talking to them is pointless. n it just happens that their ideas r different from what i want. so i need some1 who is older n with experience to talk to.
the feeling of loneliness. it's v scary. but on the other hand. it makes u stronger. but that is if u can survive it. seriously i dont know if i can survive or not. im scared. im just a tiny n timid mouse u know. not a gallant horse yet.
im thinking of going back to church. where there r ppl whom i can talk to hopefully. n also where i can have some character n spiritual development. im still considering..
to be continued..